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Remember when I used 2 look like this???????

me

Me neither bc now I seem 2 always look like what is under the cut WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME????????????????????????   Do:
Please help me D-:Collapse )
LOL god. Ok so Im back 2 work (BOO) and even tho the show is actually sort of amazing one of the judges is Pixie Geldog - I mean WHY is that happening 2 me does god hate me??????????????? Like, how does someone who is SO UNTALENTED even BEGIN 2 judge talent? Shes SO LUCKY that no one in the world on that show is talented lololol what a pile of shit Im so glad its only 4 three months :oP The other judges are Kelly Osbourne which... idk, I sort of like her, shes pretty funny and also bc shes spent so much time in America she totally gets me and the other one is Grimmy which I sort of love Grimmy on account of how hes so hot for Harry Styles, its adorbs. I way bet u guys my Balenciaga that he gets Harrys peen in his direction at some point bc no way is Harry 100% straight and Grims is super cute in that ultra gay way. NEWAY, look at this pic of our first nite wrap and NOTICE WHO IS ABSENT haha sucked in Geldog just bc I kissed ur sister ONCE ur not automatically included, in fact ur not even on my RADAR.
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In non soul selling stuff Ive been super busy watching Mouse be Mr Mom with the terror twosome - which btw why did no one tell me that babies NEVER SLEEP???? Like, u think uve got  them off and then one of them opens their eyes and then the OTHER one is like, YEAH LETS WAKE UP and they're all PSYCH, WE NEVAR SLEEP and then the howling begins O.O Still trying 2 find a nanny and a bigger apartment or even a house but tbh its all 2 much trubs and also we have so much help from Auntie Bitcha and Liz and the italian mafia that its probs not even 2 bad rite now. I PROMISE I will start looking when they start crawling bc our apartment is for def not drool proof.

Also I think I need a date nite with my hb bc tmi but we havent boned for THREE WHOLE WEEKS and Im going 2 explode if I dont get my way so who wants 2 babysit while we get it on in a hotel??????????????

Last but not least HAPPY BDAY MONKEYBUTT I miss u, DDR is calling ur name ne time u wanna come over and get sicked on. Mouse says wear ur soccer shorts, he misses ur thighs :oP

Last of the festyballs <3

OK so im pretty much checking out of social media for the next cpl weeks on account of ive got a cpl more festivals 2 go and then BABIES and im gonna be at my secret house so DONT MISS ME 2 MUCH (as if u won't!) When Im back Im gonna have actual children and a nanny bc I just realised I cant talk infant. Related: if u kno a baby whisperer that doesnt have big tits and mite want 2 bone my hb send her my way!!!!!! Or a gay nanny, im not fussy as long as he doesnt like italians. 

Checking in!!!!

Checking in from Brighton for my last ever summer weekender booooooooooooo!!!!! I will totally miss this part of my job but ngl im getting a BIT excited at hosting Hidden Stars. Even if I'm still gonna b dressed by TOPSHOP UGH. Honestly WHY cant I be dressed by like, Pip or sth, Im so bored of wearing things that everyone else wears. Which totally didnt stop me from taking Paul's girls to Topshop during our spree lolol but tbf every little girl shd have at least one private topshop style session in their lives dont u think? Or like, Forever 21 if ur in the US haha!

gjhgfj
So I bought ONE THING from Topshop stop judging me!!!!!!!!!

Anyway it was hella fun to take them out and it makes me at least 3% more confident at the thought of soon having actual children in my house jkhgajhgafjhkagfhjagefjhagfhja. Theyre due in like 5 weeks lol god what is my life???? Im sort of sick and excited at once helllllpppppppp O.O

What else????? Oh yeah, Mouse and me did matching infinity heart tattoos <3 Mines on my middle finger and his is somewhere Im not allowed to tell u but its not on show bc idk, hes afraid of looking gay or sth :oP How cute is it?? I have so much ink now, like four whole tattoos, I never thought Id have ANY.

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Last but not least I HATE PAPARAZZI. Me and Mouse are renting a SECRET HOUSE in the country for a month or so so Liz can have PEACE AND QUIET. We'll be back in LDN by the time she has 2 pop them out bc the stupid obstetrician wont come and stay too WHO SAYS MONEY CAN BUY ANYTHING?

Boooo rain!

I was getting the best tan, WHERE DID THE SUN GO? For like, a WHOLE WEEK it was almost like living in texas again, I miss u sun! ;_____;

Anyway it doesnt even matter bc this week has been pretty amazing - on tuesday me and Liz and Mouse went 2 the docs for THE FINAL SCAN b4 we meet our babies in September which was THE BEST and omg im so freaking excited now. We all agreed not 2 find out what they are b4 we went in which was lucky bc theyre all jammed up in there and u cant see their junk anyway! Liz is looking rly pooped but so pretty even if she has cankles rn (she totally has cankles rn). Mouse had 2 go back 2 work but we hung out for a cpl of hours after and OF COURSE got papped but wevs we bought some stuff  from Tiffany and got icecream so fck the haters!

me and liz LOVE
This 1's from Just Jared, I wish they wld just say they were there, at least we'd SMILE. Also check out Lizs baby hump - how humong is she???????

Then last nite me and Sash and Pip went out on the town and U CAN READ ALL ABOUT THAT IN THE PAPERS AND ALSO OMG MY HEAD.

What else....? Oh yeah, ITV are sucking so hard on signing off on this show for me and I flat out said NO TRIPS AWAY bc they PROMISED so during the winter Im going 2 be hosting a show called HIDDEN STARS which is basically Britains Got Talent lolololol why is my life???? But wevs, its better than being away all the time.

Lastly my darling hb is moping due to his other life partner being all wrapped up in some skankvag so this is 2 cheer him up - Mouse do u remember this????????? lol I love u the best Im glad ur mine.

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pussy gammon bam bam bam

ITS 2 AM AND IM SO TIIIIREDDDD BUT ALSO WIRED BC IVE BEEN OUT LIKE A MILLION TIMES THIS MONTH ON ACCOUNT OF FESTIVALS AND BIRTHDAYS AND STUFF AND kgaefhkagefaegfuaegfieagfaefg BASICALLY SO HAPPY I LUV U ALL.

Did u guys see Rab got a sweet ride???? CAN U EVEN BELIEVE??? Like srsly it wasnt even one we picked out for him he got her ON HIS OWN. Our little baby is growing up lolololololol. I bet he hasnt even boned her yet, not like we'd ever find out bc he is the actual human clam.

What else????? Oh yeah my hb rly likes bikinis? WHO KNEW?

Im tired of writing every1 just come 2 my house!

GLASTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

DAJVE GLASTO 13
OMG WILL IT EVER BE SUNNY @ GLASTO? (A: NO!)

Srsly tho I rly luv glasto. Like, not just luv, but LOVE love. Do u think that u cld call a baby Glastonbury??????? LOL kidding but also not rly because GLASTO IS TOTAL GNUHHHHH and idk, it just embodies all these amazeballs feelings for me and it wld be awesome 2 share that with OUR FUTURE PROGENY but I dont want 2 be one of those moms that call their babies sth rly stupid (like HELLO, NORTH WEST). Maybe theres sth that reminds me of Glasto that isn't the word Glastonbury but tbh all I can rly think of is poppers and mud lolololol.

Neway mostly doing the dance stage this yr but of COURSE I will also be visiting Other Stage bc MY FAVE BAND WITH MY LEZBO PASSOUT is playing 2nite and I get 2 interview her LIVE ON TEEV WHAT CLD GO WRONG!!!!!! Lol I swear bitcha if u make me corpse I am cutting off ur husbands hair and gluing it on2 UR hair, dont test me!!!

Speaking of homos I mean husbands Mouse and Jojo have been ~BONDING over, like, sth I wasnt listening 2 but involved jizzing spurts over Rita Ora. I mean, poor mans Bey or what????? Like I KNOW Bey is all yummi mummi now and idk therefore not as sexy or sexable or whatever but going 2 the Ora camp is a TOTAL BETRAYAL. Except idk, maybe they wanted 2 see Cara DeLevigne which I way understand bc girl crush much?

Ugh its so muddy. Ppl are COMMON. I really wish Dickie wrote a chopper in2 my contract bc come on. 

BOOOOOOO.

So the tabs finally found Liz :o( Srsly, shes just a normal person, they shd have left her alone except we went shopping and they saw us and now they know who she is. So fkng bummed for her, idk what 2 do.

In other SUPER ANNOYING NEWS ITV is basically taking the longest shit ever making a decision on what I'm going 2 get for my own show. I was set 2 get the host job for a show which was basically a rip off of project runway and I was so excited on account of ~FASHION but then there is some kind of stupid hold up which means it mite be off the table which means waiting SOME MORE for them to decide whats best for me next.  UGH DO NOT LIIIIIKKKKKEEEEEEEEE.

Still no house :o(

Still, I got 2 drive a truck for Danny & Paul and I felt my babies kick, so.
So house hunting was fun for like ten minutes bc lets face it, going in2 ppls houses and seeing all the crazy shit they have is pretty amazing BUT rich ppl are also tidier so it is no kidding so BORING. Everything is TOO BIG and TOO WHITE and zero interesting things lying around. I was way hoping that Sharon and Ozzy wld split 4 real bc their house is INSANE but no of course they only thought about themselves and stayed 2gether, LAME.

Some1 plz find me a house kthxbai.

In related news: screaming @ realtors in 5...4....3....2.....

EDIT: My hb is never boring lololololforeverrrrr.

Peekaboo

We're goin 2 Ibiza! We're goin 2 Ibiza!

IBIZA WEEK!!!!! Soz Ive been lax but basically it totally snuck up on me and I barely had time 2 go shopping 4 a new bikini when I had 2 drop everything and get on a plane but unghhhhh its been such an amazing time! I mean, I am REALLY going 2 miss this part of presenting, I think Im basically going 2 have 2 holiday in Ibiza every single year so I dont miss a thing.

Neway I flew in on Wednesday morning and then did Wisdom of the Glove on Weds nite and then IMS Finale Pt1 and Sankeys Pt 1 on Thursday (bc Fatboy Slim Pete Tong Driis and Tom Staaaaaarrrrrr <3) on Thursday and then Ocean Beach, Bora Bora, IMS Finale Pt 2, Sankeys Pt 2, Insane @ Pacha AND Es Paradis and went onstage w/ Derrick Carter and had a ~moment. I just got in from Departure @ Sankeys and before that I did the Ushuaia opening so Im so wired I cant even tell u, I wish u were ALL here. Especially cos basically in a few hours I have 2 go cover Space and there is NO WAY i can sleep before it and I want some companyyyyyy. I shdnt have had such a big Thursday tbh bc there is no way in the world Im missing 2 Many Djs and Felix Da Housecat <3 <3 <3 Then Monday I have Circo Loco at DC10 and Tuesday there's Flying Circus @ Sankeys and then I get 2 fly home for a little break before Isle of W on June 16 and Glasto on June 30. Then I only have Wirelless on 13/7 and V on 18/8 and Reading/Leeds on 24-25 of Aug and Bestival on 7 Sep and then I am DONE for the year which is awesome cos thats exactly when Im gonna have babies PHEAR MY SCHEDULING SKILLZ (or Dickies but u kno what I mean!!!!)

In other news I have never wanted 2 bone more than I do rite this moment WHY AM I ALONE

Poop and cornettos

Super domestic rn - basically all last week was spent hanging with Liz and baby Emily and learning how 2 do, like, nappies (Do:) and warming bottles and burping etc etc etc. Srsly, there is NO WAY that we're going 2 not need a nanny, babies poop like four times a day and thats not even counting the number 1's. FOUR TIMES! Who needs to poop that much???? Like, when do ppl start pooping normally, is it when u stop nappies? WTAF i dont think Im ready 2 be a mom, I NEED ASSISTANCE Do::::::::::::::::::::

In way better news Liz has ankles again so I took her shopping 4 bonding purposes and we basically had an amazing day which ended in us totally perving over Ryan Gosling in The Place Beyond The Pines at Covent Garden JHgefjkhaegfajehkfgaejkhfgeajkhfgeakjhfgaekjhfgaekjhfgeajkhfgeajhfgeakjhfgkaejhgfkaejhfg what a babe srsly. We were so happy for like hours after!!!!!!!!!!! TBH tho that mite have been on account of the cake which we also had rite after, gnuhhhhhh sometimes chocolate is better than banging ngl.

What else??? Oh I did my interview with OK which hits the stands next week and SUCCESS I made the journalist tear up and she wasnt even faking, I hope those bitches in the tabs choke when they read it.

In other other news I just went downstairs 2 the SPAR 2 get cookie dough 4 breakfast and lololololol Mouse check out this sign. U only did it ONCE and they already made a sign!!!!!! BRB dying of lol.

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LOL god Vine <3

Do u guys have Vine??? For serious, me and Mouse just signed up and basically have recorded about 5 million videos so far that are making me lol so hard I cant even tell u. I went 2 the shop yesterday 2 hang out and I also made Rab do one with me for like, setting up with possible vagina purposes so I can show potential dates what theyre getting in2. He will totally thank me some time in the future.

Have gotten in2 approx 6 blind items and 22 outright mentions of the fact Im PG and ~harming my unborn bb~ so have GRUDGINGLY agreed 2 lay off partying and also do a tell all interview with OK next week which.. ugh, rly? But okay whatever, thats what I pay Dickie 2 decide on so if he tells me I have 2 do it then I guess I have 2. I cant WAIT 2 rub it in ppls faces that Im actually a good person, I hope they all choke on their SHAME.

Other than that Ive just been hanging out with Liz who - ok, I KNOW shes having our babies and all but omg her ankles are so fat rite now O.o Shes srsly just puffed up to twice the normal size in the space of a week, idek how shes walking????? Is it bad 2 not wanna be out with her when she has 2 wear gross shoes for her chunky feet??? I feel like a bad person but rly, the shoes shes wearing 2 deal with the swelling are awful. If neone knows some comfy shoes which wont wanna make me barf, hit me up.
Ok so, SOMEONE told the rags that Im having a bb, lol wtf? IDK if it was someone who can read this or someone on Dickie's staff or idk who but BOM-BOM, SUPER FAIL on the details a-holes. Ugh I hate the Daily Fail so hard, I bet u any money they got like, a sniff, and then made the rest up Do: Neway I told Dickie 2 give a firm NO COMMENT and then I swear Im going to smoke and drink in public as much as I can for the next month and they can all go ram themselves and think what they LIKE >:o(

In WAY BETTER NEWS me and Liz went shopping and oh god why didnt I get a baby sooner, the clothes are AMAZING. I way want some of these things in adult size. Also, have u guys seen baby marc jacobs? Its better than grown up marc jacobs! WANT EVERYTHING.

/screened to friends/ MOAR STUFF.

OOOOHHHH GURL. LIfe is coming up ROSES for me rite now bc besides only having 2 do the major festivals this yr which leaves me almost free 2 look for a new house, Dickie has FINALLY negotiated an agreement for me with ITV FOR A SHOW WHERE I DONT HAVE 2 WORK IN CLUBS and even tho we dont know what it IS yet bc its still in development Im ttly promised it 2 start in September which is RITE ON TIME for being a mom when Im not filming. SERENDERPITY ETC. BTW this is a complete secret along with the Mom stuff so DONT TELL ANYONE OKAY?

Today Im totally hanging out in my underwear with the balcony doors open (SUN!) and watching animated movies, BELIEVE.
IDK how to even say this so I'm just gonna bust it out without beating around the bush, so here it is: GUESS WHICH AWESOME MARRIED COUPLE HAS 4 THUMBS AND IS HAVING A BABY?????

Thats rite, US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know its April 1 but NO its NOT an April Fools, Im rly srs, we rly ARE pregnant this time!!! I mean, IM not personally pg, its cousin Liz who is pg for us but its from our junk that we had taken out just b4 I left for Australia for IACGMOOH so its ours rly, shes just our oven!!!! I WANTED to tell u guise rite away but tbh its super hi fail rate when u do first round IVF and I just cldnt take it if we told everyone then sth bad happened so we decided 2 wait until the 12 week scan which we had on Saturday so now I can actually say we're having babies and Im so excited I cld actually cry!!!!

Neway NO I didnt make a mistake> when I said BABIES I rly meant BABIES bc LOOK:

DrWhoBabies
OMFG I STILL CANT BELIEVE THIS BUT THERE IS TWO OF THEM. When me and Mouse went with Liz 2 have the checkup the doctor was like, HMMM that sounds like 2 heartbeats in there and me and Mouse were like OMG ARE WE HAVING A DR WHO BABY but then when they did the scan thingy it showed that we are actually having TWINS. TWINS. I CANT EVEN FUNCTION THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME THE END.

That is ALL. For now. Bc obvs Im going 2 be spazzing at every opportunity until they come out in 6mths, WHO WANTS TO COME NURSERY SHOPPING??????????????????? liuewyfouywefgpiwegfiwegfpiwegfpwiegfdspieygf.

Synth pop stars <3

So ttl drive by bc BUSY day ahead but on Friday me and Pip went shopping in disguise and basically terrorised all of London and stalked the House of Holland store and tried on every single thing in Liberty which is super fun on its OWN but OMG MORE FUN THAN U CAN IMAGINE bc Pip went dressed as Joaquin Phoenix and I went dressed as Anna Wintour lolol. I didnt take my phone out shopping in case I lost it but heres a pic of while I was getting ready - btw my hair is an ASSHOLE, I need a personal stylist!

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Me trying 2 b Anna Wintour, lol.

Saturday I rang a cpl of agents bc this flat was FINE for just me but now theres Mouse and Rojn I think we need a PROPER HOUSE with more rooms so I called a cpl of agents and OF COURSE I found 2 houses that I wld buy straight away, look at these bitches! That first one is like Hollywood crazy, no kidding I rly want it. The second one is nice but maybe its a bit 2 grown up for us??? IDK. We have 2 go look in person but I rly do think I want sth around Ladbroke Grove (Pip we wld almost be neighbours!!!)

http://www.beauchamp.co.uk/property/details/1000976542-alma-square-london-nw8#5 WANT
http://www.beauchamp.co.uk/property/details/1000970430-hanover-terrace-london-nw1#23

Then Saturday afternoon I went 2 Vic's house for his pet party and Rojn was being a little ahole and wldnt let me give him a bath so I asked Dickie if I cld take Monty instead and Dickie got so excited that he made cupcakes lolololol what a fag <3

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ROJN U TTLY MISSED OUT.

In other news STILL SUPER HAPPY kjhefjhksgefjehgfkjeahgfkaejhfgkejahgf I LUV LIFE.

ZIPPIDEE DOOWHATSY

:oD BUSY. But with like, normal stuff, not digging out latrines or eating sth disgusting so basically SO HAPPY even if Im whizzing around like Britney on Special K. Spending LOTS of time with Momma A and the extended family which has been A+ and no kidding even if I EVER doubted marrying Mouse (I didn't) I wld have had 2 marry his family bc omg have u ever had trifle where the cake bit was black forest and the jelly bit was booze and raspberry jelly with fresh berries in it and the cream was like TRIPLE WHIPPED DOUBLE CREAM WITH SOME SHIT IN IT THAT MADE IT TASTE LIKE ACTUAL HEAVEN jhGkjhagfjahgjakhgfojasfgorsuyfgorsuyfgorsuyftr8o7ftoruyfgjrshfgoisrfg I basically soiled myself it was so fkg good. Who COOKS like that? Its like I married into a family of chefs, Im going 2 die so fat and happy its actually unreal.

Anyway that was early Moms day at The Auditores and then Sunday Paul and I went 2 see a movie 2gether which was awesome bc I havent seen Paul by himself in like.. ages, idk! So I went 2 the USA store and bought caramel popcorn and milk duds and Dr Pepper and made him have an american movie with me lolol. Ungh so good 2 see u bb. On Sunday nite I tried 2 call Rich 2 see if he was ok post memory recovery but no answer so he was either out or still mad at me so if u see this Rich bb text me back bc I dont even care how weird u got I wanna make sure ur ok!

Monday me and Mouse started Project Get Rab Laid which tbf is a work in progress bc we've srsly been trying 2 get him laid for almost a year but he is the batman of availability i.e.: when you put anyone in his face all his exterior comes up like the actual batmobile, that bitch is IMPENETRABLE. So basically Im going 2 find someone irresistable 2 wave around him and Im trying 2 decide between Melanie who is a loveable dork (shes in accounts at ITV - lolwut) or bombshell boob machine Cara (shes in makeup) which do u guise think? Like I guess dork wld have a better chance at hanging around but we're talking about breaching his defences here, like actual wall scaling or sth. Plus I cant rly afford 2 get accounts off-side bc omg my expenses, I looked at all my receipts and its like another language or sth Do:::::::

Neway COMING UP - shopping date w/ Pip where we're gonna get dressed up incognito and try on absolutely everything, moar studio talks about a proper regular show which JHgfkjhegfjohaegfjhaekgfjaehgf LOOKS LIKE IT MITE BE A TALENT SHOW OH GOD IM BUSTING, hopefully a pet party with Vic and Maxxxx and lots and lots of making up for lost time with Indiana Bones and the Temple of BOOM BOOM lolololol what even was that I think Im high on happiness.

PEACE OUT.

/PRIVATE ENTRY/

Ungh I am so retards, I think S is mad at me bc of sth I said which.. idk bc she wont say but shes all short and now shes posted sth about being sad and idk what I did but I think its about that honeymoon peeing thing bc Mouse told me Joey got in trubs for telling him and I wasnt supposed 2 know. Oooopppppsssss. IDK if I shd say sorry or not bc it mite make her madder if I bring it up again? No kidding being friends w/ girls u like is HARD. I mite call Cat and ask her what she thinks, but later bc wtf its like 9am but I cant sleep properly bc today me and Mouse are going 2 see Liz and oh god I cant function on account of how excited Iam for this. PLEASE let it work out god, just 5 more weeks of nth going wrong and I'll be good for forever I PROMISE.

LOL WUT

BACK BITCHES! LOL god can u even BELIEVE that I didnt win that goddamned show after being there six whole weeks and missing fash week (congrats & happy bday Pip!!!!!) and the NME Awards (congrats Bitchaaaaa!!!!) and the Brits and everything ever???? I mean for srs, the places where ppl LIVE in australia arent so bad but the bushy bit is like a WASTELAND and omfg how many insects does a country actually NEED? IDK if they showed it on the show or not but one morning I was all oh Edward u have a stick in ur hair and Edward was all ugh get it out and I went to get it out AND IT WAS AN INSECT. AN INSECT THAT LOOKED LIKE A STICK? WTF Australia?? EVERYTHING basically wants 2 kill u there, Im not even kidding.

Neway I had like a half day in Darwin before I got 2 get on a plane 2 come home and I went souvenir shopping and if u dont believe how cray that place is watch for one of these coco loco presents coming ur way real soon:

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STUFFED CROCODILE HEAD

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CANE TOAD PURSE. CANE TOAD.

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KANGAROO PAW ... idak what this is, some kind of back scratcher or sth? Whatever, its awful.

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KANGAROO BALLS BOTTLE OPENER

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TBH I think Im gonna keep this one.

Theres tons more but I know that if neone gets wind of this Im basically going 2 have a PETA asshole throwing red paint at my door which if thats whats gonna happen I just wanna say I DIDNT KILL ANYTHING MYSELF OKAY, AND I KNOW ITS GROSS THATS WHY I BOUGHT IT so idk, settle????

NEWAY even tho I was ROBBED of my RIGHTFUL TITLE Im back and thats whats important and also I just got laid for the first time in 6 weeks on friday so basically Im full of those happy endorphin things that make it imposs 2 frown. Plus Dickie said my popularity went thru the roof and hes pitching a PROPER SHOW THATS ALL MY OWN 2 the network and pls pls pls pls pls let it happen if they gave one 2 Russell Brand they shd ttly give one to me.

IN CONCLUSION: I LUV MY HUSBAND AND ROJN AND MY FAMILY AND U GUISE, THX 4 VOTING THE END <3

Me <3

Me: FAMOUS!!!!!1111!!!
bikini_bamalam
I LIKE UR PEENUS BIKINUS

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